Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Zoo Job
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Emptying the Doctor's Waiting Room
A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"
Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.
"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.
"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?" Asks the patient.
"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."
Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.
"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.
"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?" Asks the patient.
"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."
Facts About Old Men and Women
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'
Cinderella Would Be Shocked
Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
Funny Animals
Hahahahaha............
")n_n("
"Please....... Dont Kill Me.........."
Huahhahahahahahahha.....
'')*_*(''
Sing A Song...............
Hahahahahhahaha......
")n_n("
"Time To Work"
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Kidding me softly with his words by Article Marketing
ow, what a month it's been. I've spent the past several weeks researching and testing the waters with online article submissions.
Imagine yourself as a newbie in article marketing (maybe this isn't so hard to imagine for a lot of you!). Now imagine you're submitting your first few articles to the various article banks and directories. You are quickly learning the hard way what's allowed and what's not. And you're learning just how much time the whole process can take, too.
Trial by fire, I guess you could call it.
That was me a couple of weeks ago, trying my best to get a handle on all the various publishers and their requirements. Who takes 500 word articles? Who wants longer pieces? Can I send in something with HTML, or does it have to be plain text? What categories do they want? What topics? Yikes, it's a lot to remember. And my articles...well, let's just say the publishers weren't showing me much love.
And I was spending weary too much time doing these submissions. Input each article, format it just so, and choose the right categories (which are different at each site), tweak and poke and prod till I had it just right. Honestly, I think I could have built and painted a billboard in the time it took me to get just a handful of articles out there. Surely there had to be a better way.
So I started searching. And I found several article distribution services out there, including SubmitYourArticle.com, ThePhantomWriters.com, isnare.com and ArticleMarketer.com.
All of these services get pretty good reviews, judging by the testimonials on their websites. Some offer "pay-per-article" pricing, and others offer unlimited submissions for one price. I like the idea of unlimited articles, since I do tend to write...a lot!
I chose to buy a quarterly account with one of the distribution services to get started. And I have to tell you...automated article distribution is so much easier than manual distribution. What was taking me hours (submitting to individual article directories and publishers) now takes minutes. And I don't have to keep track of which publishers want which articles, and how to format them and categorize them. Automated article distribution takes care of all those details, leaving me free to do the work I love!
My articles are getting picked up by more publishers than I could have imagined. My very first article ended up getting some great exposure (one day I had more than 300 links on Google and 980 links showing on Yahoo!). It was even reprinted on a Chinese website! I could never have gotten this kind of exposure doing all these submissions by hand.
I'm convinced; automated article distribution is the way to go.
A few words of caution, though, which I've picked up from some very helpful people at a number of forums and blogs:
* Write for the right reasons. Submit articles that are full of good information, not just keywords. It's really about educating the reader, not stuffing the search engines with keywords.
* Be original. Use your own thoughts and ideas, not rehashed or (gasp!) plagiarized content.
* Offer the reader something they can relate to. Make it personal. If the reader wanted to learn from a textbook, they'd go back to school.
* Have fun! Writing can be a joy, and a great way to feel connected with your audience. If you hate to write, it will show! Hire a ghostwriter to work with you, and the tone will be improved by leaps and bounds.
If you are looking for new ways to increase your exposure and build traffic to your URL, consider article marketing. Don't worry if you don't consider yourself a "writer." Just write about what you know, what's important to you, and what you think you'd like your readers to know. Then submit an article, and watch it make magic. It's really working for me, and I know it can work for you too!
^_^
Article Source: Post articles free
Imagine yourself as a newbie in article marketing (maybe this isn't so hard to imagine for a lot of you!). Now imagine you're submitting your first few articles to the various article banks and directories. You are quickly learning the hard way what's allowed and what's not. And you're learning just how much time the whole process can take, too.
Trial by fire, I guess you could call it.
That was me a couple of weeks ago, trying my best to get a handle on all the various publishers and their requirements. Who takes 500 word articles? Who wants longer pieces? Can I send in something with HTML, or does it have to be plain text? What categories do they want? What topics? Yikes, it's a lot to remember. And my articles...well, let's just say the publishers weren't showing me much love.
And I was spending weary too much time doing these submissions. Input each article, format it just so, and choose the right categories (which are different at each site), tweak and poke and prod till I had it just right. Honestly, I think I could have built and painted a billboard in the time it took me to get just a handful of articles out there. Surely there had to be a better way.
So I started searching. And I found several article distribution services out there, including SubmitYourArticle.com, ThePhantomWriters.com, isnare.com and ArticleMarketer.com.
All of these services get pretty good reviews, judging by the testimonials on their websites. Some offer "pay-per-article" pricing, and others offer unlimited submissions for one price. I like the idea of unlimited articles, since I do tend to write...a lot!
I chose to buy a quarterly account with one of the distribution services to get started. And I have to tell you...automated article distribution is so much easier than manual distribution. What was taking me hours (submitting to individual article directories and publishers) now takes minutes. And I don't have to keep track of which publishers want which articles, and how to format them and categorize them. Automated article distribution takes care of all those details, leaving me free to do the work I love!
My articles are getting picked up by more publishers than I could have imagined. My very first article ended up getting some great exposure (one day I had more than 300 links on Google and 980 links showing on Yahoo!). It was even reprinted on a Chinese website! I could never have gotten this kind of exposure doing all these submissions by hand.
I'm convinced; automated article distribution is the way to go.
A few words of caution, though, which I've picked up from some very helpful people at a number of forums and blogs:
* Write for the right reasons. Submit articles that are full of good information, not just keywords. It's really about educating the reader, not stuffing the search engines with keywords.
* Be original. Use your own thoughts and ideas, not rehashed or (gasp!) plagiarized content.
* Offer the reader something they can relate to. Make it personal. If the reader wanted to learn from a textbook, they'd go back to school.
* Have fun! Writing can be a joy, and a great way to feel connected with your audience. If you hate to write, it will show! Hire a ghostwriter to work with you, and the tone will be improved by leaps and bounds.
If you are looking for new ways to increase your exposure and build traffic to your URL, consider article marketing. Don't worry if you don't consider yourself a "writer." Just write about what you know, what's important to you, and what you think you'd like your readers to know. Then submit an article, and watch it make magic. It's really working for me, and I know it can work for you too!
^_^
Article Source: Post articles free
